Not sure I’m ready for this post but here goes.

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My blog has been silent for a long time due to personal reasons. I’ve been living in a fog since September 18th, 2012, the day my Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 uterine cancer. To say I was shocked was an understatement as this came from out of the blue. My Mom was one of the healthiest people I knew, she took supplements, stopped using a microwave years ago, took a holistic approach to everything how could this diagnosis be true?  How could this be happening to my family, especially my Mom? What seemed like years dragged out into only 5 more months with her, it was a constant roller coaster ride. We were believing for a complete healing, quoting scripture, prayers and whatever we felt would make her better. God is a healer but He has ultimate say when our time is up. We all wrestled with this as a family and looked to my Dad for wisdom and strength. Dad was her caretaker 24/7 for those 5 months as they were able to do home hospice at my brother’s house. I learned how strong my father really is. They were high school sweethearts and would have been celebrating their 43rd anniversary in May. They had 47 wonderful years together, raised 4 kids (they weren’t supposed to have any) and got to meet 6 grandkids. Mom was there for the birth of both of my daughters and for that I’m grateful. She was there for my wedding and one of my biggest supporters for my art. I got my creativity from my Mom who encouraged me at the age of 3 to start painting rocks and bottles. I am slowly emerging from this fog, this week its been hitting me that she’s really gone. I take each moment of grief and go with it. I’m crying as I write this. I miss her but I’m at peace with it all. She didn’t complain once during her struggle to live. She didn’t have an attitude or feel sorry for herself, if she did she didn’t show it. She was amazingly strong. I don’t know if I could do that. I remember visiting her one day and it was too much emotionally for me as I saw her deteriorating and she offered to pray for me. I’m the one who should have prayed for her in the moment but I couldn’t. I tried to be strong around her and for my Dad. She was an amazing woman of God, friend, encourager to anyone she met. The world was a better place with her in it. My world was a better place. Finding out how to move on without her is hard. I am dreading Mother’s day. She’s been gone for a little over a month now and it is slowly getting easier, I’m usually good if I stay busy. If there is one thing I learned from all of this is that things can change in an instant! IT’s TIME to live now! It’s time to live in the moment, love in the moment. Don’t put off doing what you want to do any longer, the time is NOW! Be present with your family, your friends, your loved ones. Just BE in the moment every day, all day. Take time for you, pursue your dreams, mend those fences, forgive those that have hurt you and move on. I don’t know what life is going to look like a year from now but I do know that I’m not going to waste time on worry, regrets and bad things. Love on your family, call your parents if you’re lucky enough to have them both. Life is short and fleeting so please don’t take that for granted. There are so many things I wish I got to do with my Mom that I’ll never get the chance to do now. Don’t waste time. The time is now. I just hope she’s proud of me and all I will accomplish. I do have one thing to look forward to which is seeing her in Heaven one day. I will see her again. She is reunited with her brother Mike and her Mom, my dear Nana who passed 4 years ago. Through all this it’s easy to get mad at God but I can’t, I thought I would be but I’m not. He carried me through this entire situation and I felt it. His grace was there to keep me going. I’m so happy I have my faith to hold onto during hardships. I never thought I’d have to face such a horrible one but I’m emerging and I’m OK. If there is one thing I miss now it’s my Mom’s distinctive laugh, you could hear it from a mile away. She was such a clown and so much fun. I love you Mom.

Mom is in the middle.

Mom is in the middle.

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24 responses »

  1. Hey,

    I’m sorry to hear this terrible, terrible news. I honestly can only imagine the slightest bit of what you are going through at the moment. I will say this though, i think you are really strong for getting through all this and for posting such a personal post online. I deeply respect you and I hope that the future might have brighter days in stock.

    Greetings,
    A teenager from holland

  2. Your mom has every reason to be abundantly proud of her daughter. You are creating, as you are called to do. And you are stepping out as a leader. You are standing on your faith. And you are raising her granddaughters to be creative young women of faith.

  3. Aimeé,I just read your blog and, it brought tears to my eyes. It brought back the vivid memories of losing my Dad in 1995 to Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. It was a six month ordeal. He too, was strong and we never thought this would have happened to him. I remember how he would tell me to leave when I visited him because he knew how being in a hospital affected me.The last time I saw him was a total breakdown. He asked me why this was happening to him, that he never did anything bad to anybody. We both cried. And, it was one of the few times I saw my Dad breakdown. The other times were when we had to put down the family dog. The second (some 10+ years later) was when he had to tell me that my dog was hit by a car. They kept him for me upstate when I first moved out. I was actually coming to bring him home.Being a career military man, I always saw my Dad as a tough guy.I am sorry for your loss. It will get better but, try to hold on to the memory of your Mom’s voice. To me that’s important. I don’t know why but, when I started to forget how he sounded I knew I had moved on.Regards,Stan 

  4. I commend you for being able to write this post. Odd that it came about today as I am laying in bed, crying on and off because I miss my father who passed in January so badly.
    No one tells you about this kind of pain, do they?
    I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers that you all can find some kind of comfort ♥

    • Sharon, I’m so sorry for your loss. Nobody can prepare you for the pain. I know what you’re going through. Sending you hugs today. This is the first day I’ve cried in weeks. Guess it was coming. Will pray for you as well.

  5. Now I’m crying.

    I keep up with your facebook, and your positive attitude and faith shine through everyday. You are making your mom proud because you are already the strong, faithful, artistic wife, mom, daughter and woman that she showed you how to be.

    I don’t say much anymore on facebook, but there have been days in the past few months that I wasn’t sure I would make it through another day. Sometimes, just looking at your art and reading your posts about “the Bean” made me smile and helped me feel a little better.

    See? You’ve helped me with your faith and art and you didn’t even know it. 🙂

    xoxo
    Kim
    Gerushia’s New World

  6. I went home (New York) in October 2006 to say “good bye” to my mom (79, diabetic, kidney dialysis) while she was in the hospital after a stroke. The good bye was difficult but she had been ill for so long and she really finally seemed at peace. Dad and I would visit her and play her favorite songs for her. Dad was going to come home to Texas to live with me. We spent the next few weeks busy packing and sorting, getting mom’s paperwork in order. We talked and talked about death and life. He didn’t want to leave until December 7th, Mom’s birthday. He wanted to visit her grave one last time. December 6th after dinner, Dad stood up from the kitchen table, his defibrillator went off, he fell, and hit his head. Being on Coumidin, he bled internally and went into a coma. My sister and I agreed to not keep him on life support. He left to be with my mom on December 18th. It isn’t so much as a pain you feel but an emptiness. A big gigantic hole in your life and your heart. But I do talk to mom and dad continually and that is the way I cope because they do answer. Sometimes it’s a slight whisper in a breeze or a happy thought in your heart – but they do listen and they do answer. I love the remark that you’re raising your little ones in the manner your mom raised you. That is truly how we all live on. I’m not going to say to you that the emptiness goes away because it doesn’t. But you do learn how to use it to make yourself and your life better. I love hearing about your art and your little ones. That is a great aspect of Facebook – it can bring you hope and love when you need it. You’re doing great. Your mom is proud.

  7. I’m so sorry about your Mom. The one thing I can say is that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you get to see her again, which has to hold so much hope! That does not make your hurting now any less and I know that. Thank you for sharing yourself on here. It was a difficult post, I know. Thank you for reminding us to live in the moment. I wish I could have that ingrained into my brain because I lose sight of this all to often. Love you Amiee! Know that I’m just a message away if you need to talk .

  8. Aimee: I am sure that your mom is above smiling down at you and all around you as she is surely proud of the woman you are, the artist you are, the mother you are and the wife that you are. She has much to be proud of! You are an amazing woman!
    Losing a parent or any loved one is hard. I lost my mom when I was merely 16 years old. My mom took me to work, told me she would be back to pick me up when I was due to be done work but while I was at work, she passed away! I felt that something had happened as I “froze” and was unable to move and my co-worker that was near me asked me what was wrong. I said “I don’t know yet but something has just happened”. It was a few minutes later the phone rang and it was my brother telling me I needed to go home! I got home by a “stranger” and despite being told “don’t ride with strangers” I knew when this man approached I was to ride with him and did! When I got home, I was informed my mother had passed away! She was only 36 years old! I had a hard time with this. I had a younger brother who was only 9 and I was just starting my senior year of high school a month and a half after this and my older brother was starting college. It was the hardest thing! I then went through my husband passing away when my son was merely 8 months old and my husband was only 20 and I was only 21! We had gone to bed, he sat up on the edge of the bed looking into the crib at our son! Again a loved one passing on me! I wondered if I dared to love anyone again! My loved ones leave me! However, as hard as it is, death is part of life. We have to hold on to the memories we have, we have to keep them close at heart and there are many times I KNOW my mom is with me! I know my son’s father has been with us and is proud of the man my son has become. Probably the hardest part of that for me is knowing my son does not know his father, only has pictures of him. He was to young to know his father or to have memories of him. That is hard for me as I know how I treasure the memories of my mother and my grandfather who passed away only 3 years before my mother passed away (he lived with us at the end of his life so we could take care of him). It is comforting to know that these memories are still with me so I can feel their presence. So hang on to those precious memories Aimee! My mother has been departed from earth for for 36 years (the same age she was when she passed away) and my son’s father has been gone for 30 years and I still hang on to the memories and they still help me. I will admit, I still have my days! I still cry. I still tear up. I still long for my mom! That will never change! What helps though is to know she is with me, that I will be reunited one day and that she will never truly leave me. Carry on my friend with those precious girls you have and help them know all about their wonderful grandmother. I know at least Lorelei will probably have some memories of her so help her not forget those memories. Your mom was a special lady! Sending my condolences again and my understanding. One can NEVER be prepared no matter how much they try! Hugs!

  9. Aimee, You expressed your feelings well. Thanks for sharing. I miss her too. Unfortunately this is your new “normal.” Fortunately, God knew it before you did! He is with you and will keep carrying you. Your mom’s life was too short for us, but in God’s plan, perfectly lived out. She inspired and brought joy to so many and that will live on. AND, you have so much of her in you! It’s undeniable, and a gift to the rest of us!!! You are an amazing woman! Love you very much!

  10. Aimée, I caught some comments on FB about your Mom and just didn’t fully realize what had happened. I’m so very very sorry. And I know you will see her again too. Your Mom loved every hair on your head, kiddo………Mom’s just do ya know. We don’t count minutes, or days; just blessings. To see our children happy is all we want, when it really comes down to it. Your Mom shared your passion for your art because she saw how happy you were creating. And your kids………what a blessing grandchildren are, you will know that someday. You will be told 1000 times but until you experience it you will not realize how much your heart can hold, and then some! You and your siblings are the gift your Mom wanted and received. I suppose with every passing into the next dimension, those behind are flooded with regrets……of course we are. But the person moving on will do just what your Mom did, pray for you because she understood the pain you would be left with, missing her presence here.

    You will cherish every day you see the sun come up, but you will have days you forget this. You will feel like a stronger and more appreciative person after losing your Mom, but there will be days you forget this. You will feel humble and like a spec on God’s earth, but there are days you will forget that and soar! It’s just life and death, sweetpea. Her soul surrounds you every moment, so inhale those memories and love her every time she visits your heart!

  11. I have been thinking about you so much in the past few days. I am so sorry that I didn’t know about your loss. I know that your dear mom lives through you in all the ways you are like her. Her gifts to you. Your gifts to your girlies. Keep looking up Aimee. God is with you, she is with God. I miss you. Love, Laura

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